Vaaddhanaa's essay in response to question one is generally coherent and clear, and the points are distributed into well-segmented paragraphs. It also has a good mix of paraphrasing of the given information and statistics , but is rather lacking in her own thoughts and ideas, which make it seem almost like a ‘summary’ of the article.
The essay elaborates on the natural and man-made problems and their relation, but there does not seem to clearly illustrate two supporting arguments for those elaborations, as mentioned in the introductory paragraph, which in contrast provides a coherent presentation of the question’s topic and key ideas.
Likewise, the paragraphs generally contain examples and statistical information that lend much support to the intended point. However, the subsequent points in each paragraph are not organised in the most effective manner, and as a reader, it is not easy to link the listed examples to their immediate ideas.
The essay as a whole is an easy read, but to find and chain all the points provided together requires a little extra work. The organisation pattern is such that it is easy to lose track of the big picture that is the main idea. The conclusion is tied to the essay as a whole, but concurs loosely with the ideas and statements portrayed in the thesis paragraph.
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Hi Alvin
ReplyDeleteThanks for your sincere comments. I will surely try incorporating your suggestions in my WA2. But I would like to clarify a few things about my essay first. My essay was in response to question 2. I have tried to elaborate on the two supporting points separately in Paragraphs 2 and 3 with examples and statistics. The first few sentences of each of these paragraphs summarize the contents of the paragraph, which are the main points asked. I agree that the transitions within each paragraph are not perfect. I will surely try to work on the points that you have given. I appreciate your valuable feedback and I am sure my final draft and WA2 would be a more perfect one after reading all your comments.